Types of Bitches: Peninsula Edition

Co-Authored by Alex Gambardella, Tanya Fernandez, Lisa Bayless, and Danica Gomes

Yeah, I know, it's been like 9 months. But good things come to those who wait, right? I think the following will hopefully confirm that.

About a month ago, I came upon a blog post on Uptown Almanac entitled "Types of Bitches: Mission Edition." This list of various types of bitches who populate the Mission in San Francisco, was inspired by the late, great original "Types of Bitches," which came to fame about 6 months ago, when a charter school teacher in D.C. found said list on the floor of her 3rd grade classroom one afternoon. The list was promptly posted by a friend online to go down in infamy, 10 Commandments status, as a veritable Bible of Bitches. Some of the hard-hitters from this list include:

"dusty trick bitches," "spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair," "chesesy (presumably cheesy??) teeth bitches," "same wearing clothes each day bitches," "dirty sock wearing bitches," "un creative bitches" (seriously, there is nothing more irksome than a lack of creativity on a bitch's part), and "tall bitches"...

WIN.

The D.C. list is so ruthlessly honest and pure, that it cannot be denied. Racial, cultural, and socio-economic trappings aside, this list stands as a paradigmatic standard with which all other types of bitches can be measured by. And rather than wax poetic on the idea that this list may or may not serve as some kind of portable manifestation of the clusterfuck that is the D.C. school system and the children who may or may not be doomed because of it, I'll simply say that those of you who haven't had the unadulterated pleasure of reading the original list, please do something about that now. (Whether you've seen it or not, do yourself the favor of reading the complete blog entry and the list in its entirety, here. AAAANNND the follow-up post, which is equally as informative and entertaining.)

I read the original when it was first posted in March of this year, and rode that high for a good two weeks. That list was life-changing. But I eventually forgot about it, UNTIL this Mission Edition post gave it new life. The Mission Edition list is canonical in its own right, and having lived in the Bay Area my whole life, spending a great deal of time in the city, its truth was not lost on me.

Following in those footsteps, I was recently inspired, with the help of some prodding from a few of my friends, to create a "Types of Bitches" list of my own, Peninsula style. Drawing from personal, professional, and observational experiences, we came up with what we think are the archetypal (and irksome) bitches that inhabit this stretch of the San Francisco Bay Area. While there is some slight crossover between the two "Editions" lists, given that the "Peninsula" is just south of San Francisco, Peninsula bitches, as you will see, are a whole different species in their own right. Clocking in at 54 entries, I'd like to think of this list as extensive, but I know that it is by no means all inclusive. Edits, suggestions and comments are more than welcomed and appreciated. We have identified the following types of peninsula bitches:

1. Great Entertainer and Heidi's Pies on a Friday night bitches
2. Bitches who be thinkin' a dumb-ass “baby on board” sign is gonna be preventin’ accidents when THEY the ones drivin’ like shit
3. Think they got class cuz they went to skank-ass mercy instead of "crackmont" bitches
4. Bitches who be mackin’ at Water Dog Lake wit der man who gon’ be eaten by mountain lions
5. Drunk Clooney’s bitches talkin to old classmates like we frenz or sumthin bitches
6. Takin the train to the Giants games cuz they be too broke to live in the city bitches
7. Bitches who be fervently drinkin’ Starbucks like it was 1998
8. Croc wearin’ bitches
9. Engaged bitches
10. Bitches who landed they lucky asses at Cal after 2 stupid years at CSM, who be tryna pretend like they ain’t transfer students by overcompensatin’ like whoa
11. Not watchin’ your kids while they actin’ a fool and pissin’ off strangers bitches
12. Thinkin’ you're the shit because your older sister's best friend's brother went to school with Tom Brady bitches
13. Givin’ up deodorant because you think it's poison when really it’s your B.O. that’s poison bitches
14. Wannabe vampire bitches
15. Talkin’ on your cell phone about your recent STD scare while you waitin’ in line at Starbucks and thinkin’ no one can hear you bitches
16. Constantly talkin’ ‘bout dieting and how fat you are while you're eatin’ one of those disgusting sandwiches from KFC where the chicken is the bread…THIS IS WHY YOU'RE FAT, BITCHES
17. Talkin’ baby-talk to your dog bitches
18. Bitches goin’ to Notre dame de Namur thinkin’ they got real college experience bitches
19. Hoche dress wearin’ to San Mateo dive bars bitches
20. Thinkin they hard cuz they shop at EPA Ikea bitches
21. Bitches who live in redwood shores with rich-ass houses that be SINKIN
22. Thinkin they all independent movin 10 minz away from they mama’s house bitches
23. Crazy, lyin', ain’t never doin’ no work and thinkin’ every brown person is Mexican, always tryna be recruitin' people, Jehova’s Witnesses bitches
24. Prius drivin' bitches
25. Thinkin they hollywood just cuz Stanford got a Sprinkles now bitches
26. Gluten Free bitches
27. Bitches who be talkin’ non-stop about how they wanna live in the city when they ain’t got NO SENSE
28. Uggs and jean shorts wearin’ bitches
29. Bitches who be loiterin’ at Jamba Juice after school like it a house party
30. Bitches who think they well read cuz they favorite book is The DaVinci Code
31. Bitches who be tryna talk to you on BART ‘bout yo shoes
32. Tourist bitches who be snappin’ photos of fuckin’ homeless people and be makin’ a day in San Francisco unbearable
33. Bitches who be buyin jeans with holes already in them
34. Hipster bitches pretendin' like they poor when they grew up in Hillsborough
35. Skanky ass Notre Dame High School bitches
36. Thought they was the shit cuz they got married at 18 but now they divorced bitches
37. Proud parent of some fuckin’ bullshit honor student bumper sticker totin', van drivin' bitches
38. Thinkin they athletes cuz they played CY instead of AY soccer when y'all sucked anyway bitches
39. Neon bathin’-suit showin’ under they to’ up Abercrombie jean shorts on purpose when they 14 years old and out buyin’ froyo and nowhere near a goddamn beach bitches
40. Elementary school nurse bitches who be givin’ you an ice pack for every damn ailment
41. Bitches who be lovin’ the A's cuz they wanna front like they hard when y’all be lovin’ the Giants anyway bitches
42. Used to be havin’ egg phone bitches who be thinkin’ they the SHIT now cuz they got an iPhone 4 and they don’t even know what to do with it bitches
43. Thinkin' you all that cuz your neglectful parents let you get a belly button ring at fifteen bitches
44. PBR swiggin', finger-mustache-havin', fixed-gear-bike-ridin', non-prescription thick-framed glasses-wearin' hipster bitches
45. Bitches who be goin' to Cafe Borrone every day of they life and still ain't be knowin' how to spell it
46. iPad-buyin’ on the first day bitches
47. Fuckin’ outta they minds, manic sign writin’, constantly talkin' nonsense, hangin’ out on the corner of Ralston and El Camino all day and night bitches (incidentally, this particular bitch was just arrested a few days ago)
48. Bitches that act like San Carlos is all that because they be havin’ a downtown when really all they got is one to’ up, craft-shop-havin’ street
49. Anthropologie-wearin’ bitches that’s bitches cuz they be wearin’ shit you want but makin’ it hella FUG
50. “So You Think You Can Dance”-watchin’ bitches that think they can dance when really they just bitches
51. Uncreative bitches (this type of bitch is one that is simply universally despise-able...)
52. Blog havin’ bitches
53. Gold Trunks wearin' bitches
54. Bitches who be callin' it the Peninsula bitches…

What type of bitch are you? Currently, I would say I'm decidedly #26, occasionally #1, I've tried to reform my ways in recent years regarding #54, and I'd like to think of myself as #52, but follow through is what's key there.

BOOM.