A Camp-a-phobe's Guide to Camping...Or...Yosemite for Dummies

Well, I finally popped my Yosemite cherry, and like most first times, it was at once pleasing and a little uncomfortable. While I am a self-proclaimed despiser of camping, I do in fact, like to move my body and be somewhat active, which is why I decided that when I go back to do Half Dome - and I will do it again - I will most likely stay in a cabin of some sort. And it will be the best of both worlds. Movement and showers. Although I could always go the yurt route. All that being said, I'm not so completely opposed to camping that I would never do it again, under the right circumstances. Which is why I have come up with a rough and rather on-the-fly guide to camping based on my own experiences, not only for myself (for future adventures) but for other camp-a-phobes who may find themselves one day face to face with a patch of dirt they are supposed to believe is a bed.

Step 1: First and foremost, you must concede to fact that you are going to be and feel dirrrtier than you ever have, will or would want to in your life. You won't shower, go to the bathroom like a normal person, use what is known as soap, brush your hair, or touch anything clean. Everything about you and your life will be dirty. Of course there are things you can do to minimize how disgusted you feel with yourself. For example, I brought face wash (and used it), wore deodorant, brushed my teeth twice a day and changed my clothes and underwear regularly. These things may sound intuitive, but there are plenty of people who don't think so and will show you so. Once you come to terms with this first, simple, and rather all inclusive fact, you will then feel a bit more liberated in your quest to enjoy yourself.

Step 2: Don't "pack light." I can't think of an instance when packing heavy is more appropriate...except maybe Vegas. Now obviously, pack heavy within reason, and packing heavy doesn't mean bring your computer and your perfume and your lotions and potions and nine pairs of shoes. Bring your absolute most basic needs and then pack more than that. Mostly what I am referring to is the clothing and underwear department. Because there will be a day - trust me there will be - when you'll just feel like changing your socks and shirt two hours after you put on the first ones. You'll just feel like it, and it'll feel great to be able to do it because you have extras. Another thing I would bring lots of is first aid supplies, especially sterilizing wipes, which mostly has to do with the above paragraph. My spill over a fence while on a bike ride made me thankful that both Lisa and I came prepared with first aid goodies, which were my friend the rest of the trip (the spill happened on the first day). And chapstick...bring chapstick like you are preparing for the end of the world, when chapstick doesn't exist anymore. That way you won't have to keep borrowing Lisa's. Lastly, overpack in the sustenance department. But make sure it is good for you sustenance or you will literally not be a happy camper. I made sure I came with plenty of veggies and fruits - dried, fresh or otherwise - along with plenty of protein and fiber, which mostly came in the form of nuts and gluten-free granola.

Step 3: Bring lots of wine.


End of story.

Step 4: Spend a whole day hiking Half Dome. One of the times when I felt the cleanest and happiest on the trip was during the hike. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. And Half Dome is and will be cleaner and more amazing than your campsite will ever be for obvious reasons. I think it also helped that the weather was perfect when we did the hike. Literally, perfect. Moreover, the hike alone will make you feel great (in every way) and once you've made it to the Top, everything will have been worth it. And nothing else will matter, except for the number of glasses of wine you are going to consume once you get down.

Step 5: Go with friends. Yeah, I'm going to go against my usual grain and NOT end on a snarky note (there's still time though) and say that going with friends is a surefire way to enjoy yourself, even when against the odds. Or at least your own odds. There will be laughs and spats and chats and jokes and ramen and Apples to Apples and satisfied sighs of accomplishment (and exhaustion), and everything in between, and it will all make for an amazing time. You'll spend time together, away from everything else, and you'll all share in experiences that you'll always remember.


And if you're really lucky, you may even meet some new friends along the way who will provide even more laughs and wine and good times and promises of more to come, making the trip that much more memorable.


Not to mention, you may even gain a Vegas connection or two...